Monster Pear: Gaurdian of Pears

[Void Skull]

Introduction

The scientific years of the 1900's created many things, like the cell phone, and one we all know: TV. Some creations were accidental. Some destroyed entire cities, some were just duds. But in the mid-90's, scientists created a thing that would protect the human race from dangerous things like space invaders, they were very paranoid about that. A single human created the thing that would protect them or prehaps eliminate them from the face of the earth...

[Void Skull]

Part 1: Monster Pear

"Kurokami!" Kouki shouted as he ran out of a building.
"Kurokami! The scientists down in Osaka have figured out how to reproduce our organisim from Mt. Fuji!" Kouki stopped.
"Kouki, you know I don't care about your nerdy little projects," Kurokami said.
Kouki did not like what he just heard, he pulled something out of his bag, a vial of some sort.
"But... but... I stole one of the copied organisims." Kouki said nervously.
Kurokami continued to walk home while Kouki put his vial back in his bag. "Um... bye." Kouki turned around and walked towards the building he came from, it was a ramen resturaunt. As Kouki walked in, he heard a man starting to tell a "tale" of a giant monster corpse found off the coast of Alaska in the United States.
"Them Americans, always making up myths and legends. Like "Bigfoot", what kind of made-up thing is that?!" The man said to his 2 person audience.
Kouki shook his head at the man and took another sip of cofee.
"That man over there, he's a retired soldier, he was kicked out of the army for tellin' too many storys of 'giant monsters'." The waitress said. Kouki grabbed his vial of the copied organisims. What is this? Why was it here, in Japan? He thought.
"Bigfoot was never real," Continued the retired soldier. "Bigfoot did not exist, but you know what does exist?? The end of the world! That's what! And it will happen in just two d..." Sirens were heard in the distance, police sirens. In a few minutes, cops appeared and arrested the soldier.
"You don't get it! The Earth's destroyer has already arived!! You can all die just because you didn't listen when I warned you!" The police put the soldier to sleep with chlorophome.
Kouki grabbed his vial and opened it, it was filled with the copied organisim... but some was missing. There was a crack in the vial! And then he noticed a light coming from his bag. The waitress stared at him and said "Hey, Kouki, you okay?"
Kouki was surprised by the waitress, he dropped the vial right onto one of his leftover lunch items, it was a pear. The light became more intense... and then... a mushroom cloud appeared. It could be seen from miles away. The soldier woke up in jail and looked out his bar-covered window, he said...
"They didn't listen to me..."


Part 2 on sunday

[Void Skull]

Part 2: The giant monster corpse

Kurokami noticed the mushroom cloud, because it was across the street. Her dogs' noses started to twitch, so did Kurokami's, it was the smell of Ripe Pears. Kouki was coughing in the smoke and eventually made it to his bag that was ripped open. The pear was gone... but there was a giant foot with claws on the bag. Most of the leg and whatever else was up there was covered with the thick, blue smoke. Meanwhile, in the northwest part of Alaska, there was the giant monster corpse.
"The Canadians said they spotted something like this in Lake Superior, the thing is, how did it get out here in Alaska from Lake Superior? It must be a good swimmer," One of the Scientists said. "can it fly?" An earthquake was caused by the movement of Japan and suddenly made a wave that went towards Alaska.
"We found large slits in the creatures back!" A scientist said.
"Gils?"
The scientist stuck his hand in to one of the slits,
"No, something else... wait... there's a light in this one... oh no. RUN!"
The giant monster's eyes snapped open, the scientist could not get his arm out of the slit, and then all four slits became massive, glowing spikes on the creature's back. The scientists did not survive the attack.
Back in Japan, the smoke cleared, revealing a giant pear with four spikes, a long tail, and all the essentials. The thing let out a massive roar... GUUROOONKKK-KUUG!! Kouki brushed ashes from his face and saw the massive creature. Kurokami grabbed her dogs and ran towards Kouki.
"What have I done?" Kouki said.
"Well, it's obvious, Kouki, you created a giant monster! And you know what? Your monster revived that thing in Alaska!" Kurokami hissed.
The giant monster turned around and looked at Kouki and Kurokami.
"Kurokami, don't move..." Kouki whispered.
GUUROOONKKK-KUUG!!
"Well, Kouki, it's a pear, a monster pear."

Part 3 on monday

[Void Skull]

Part 3: The Meeting of the Monsters

Kouki looked at his monster, it was harmless.
"A giant pear can't hurt anything, Kurokami, because originally, it was just a fruit."
Kurokami stared at the behemoth, the behemoth looked back. GUUROOONKKK-KUUG!!
"You call that harmless?! LOOK AT IT!" Kurokami shouted.
The "Monster Pear" turned away and looked at the clouds, and then, in seconds, Monster Pear was beat down by another giant creature.
ZZZZZZGGGGGGGRRROUUUUK!
The second creature was tall, red, and had four spikes on his back. This was the undead monster from Alaska.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ABOUT?!" Kurokami hissed at the creature.
"Why do you need to all of a sudden run into Kouki's pear thing?! It's just an uncalled for action!"
ZZZZZZGGGGGGGRRROUUUUK? The monster stared at Kurokami's blabbering mouth... on and on, she went.
Monster Pear's leg twitched and his spikes flickered. Kurokami saw Monster Pear's movements, and then she let out a big grin.
"Well, why did you need to do that, giant monster thing??" Kurokami continued with a smile.
"Kurokami, your dogs are biting me..." Kouki interrupted.
"Kouki, shut up, I have a plan to get your monster's power up." Kurokami whispered.
The second creature tilted it's head like a dog and sat down, destroying twelve buildings.
"So... what's your name... monster thing? Uhhmmm... KOUKI! Stop shutting up, Kouki!
Come up with a name!" Kurokami asked.
Kouki sat there with one of Kurokami's dogs biting his head.
"Cheeseburgers with pickles are a good combination... wait... what? A name? Fido." Kouki answered. Kurokami lifted her eyebrow, and then saw Monster Pear's spikes were fully lit.
"Go get 'em you giant Pear!" Kurokami cheered.
Monster Pear opened his mouth and a massive green beam came out, it was a direct hit into "Fido"'s chest.
ZZZZZZGGGGGGGRRROUUUUK?
"Well, Kouki, it's a battle...
MONSTER PEAR VS....uhmm... FIDO!... Kouki, why did you name it Fido?!"

The conclusion of the story on tuesday (After 3 in the afternoon, central time.)

[EternalMothra]

Not bad, not bad at all. It needs some tweeking to it though. For instance, there are not really any seeable paragraphs in the story. A story should be seperated into paragraphs.

(INTRO)
The scientific years of the 1900's created many things, like the cell phone, and one we all know: TV. Some creations were accidental. Some destroyed entire cities, some were just duds. But in the mid-90's, scientists created a thing that would protect the human race from dangerous things like space invaders, they were very paranoid about that. A single human created the thing that would protect them or prehaps eliminate them from the face of the earth...


I liked the Intro, it was done nicely. The only thing I have to say about it is make it a bit longer, and add some more description to it. Remember the intro is starting out the whole plot to the story, and if it is a striking intro, it will capture people's attention and they'll be urged to keep on reading.

A thing that you need to fix up on a bit is spelling and grammer. When a reader is reading, spelling and grammer mistakes are very easy to notice, and they tend to be distracting.

Overall, this is a pretty good story, with some little tweeks, a bit more length and description to it, it would be perfect. Good job MP!:thumbs:

[Tokyo VigilanteX]

You've got about a chapters worth in actual writting.




Longer, like 5x longer.