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Void Skull
January 21st, 2006, 08:29 PM
HOGOSHA VS RITSUZEN
(THE PROTECTOR VS THE HORROR)
INTRO:
Brooke is just a fourteen year old girl that ignores and punches her little brother every now and then. When she won four tickets off of a local TV game show, she went to Tokyo, Japan. Little did she know that the Game Show was a rip-off and what she was about to see in Japan was much more than a grand prize...

CHAPTER ONE: EARTHQUAKE
Brooke stared out at the city while her brother, Chad, threw a pebble at her head.
"I found it at the airport back in San Diego, it looks like you... disgusting." Her brother said.
Brooke turned around and started to pull back her arm.
"Chad, what did I tell you about dirty rocks that look like people?" Brooke asked.
Three seconds later, Chad ran into his parents' hotel room, with a black eye and a rock broken in half. His mom was complaining about unpacking all of the items into the hotel. And then the hotel shaked, sending unsuspecting Chad's tailbone right onto the floor.
"OW! MOM! Mom! Brooke's makin' the hotel shake with her disgusting face!" Chad shouted while he rubbed his sore butt.
"Listen, Chad, mom has a big headache because SOME PEOPLE can't put away their own suitcase!" Chad's mom hissed. His dad was lying on the bed with a pillow over his head, grunting.
"Look, honey, go with your big sister and see if you can find an arcade in downtown Tokyo, alright? Win a few DDR competitions for a while, okay?" Chad's mom asked quietly.
After the small shake, Chad was rubbing his butt for a while. Brooke was still in her room, looking out at the city.
"Hey freak-face, mom says we should go find an arcade out in Tokyo." Chad said.
The exited the hotel, both looking away from eachother. The city seemed dull, no cars were anywhere. And then the shake came again, this time it was a 3.5 on the Richter scale. Chad almosted choked on his ramen that he bought. They reached the arcade but there was a large crowd around something.
"Chad, your short, go get up front and see what happened!" Brooke asked.
"I'm not sho... up front, you say?" Chad said and ran up towards the crowd.
He dodged elbows and feet, he was bumped every three seconds. THen he found what everyone was looking at... a hole in the ground going at least 130 feet deep. Chad droopped his ramen into the hole. There was just silence, and then everyone heard the ramen hit something.
SKKKEEEEIIIIIEEEEEYYYY!!!
Everyone covered their ears over the scream. A large spike came out of the hole, with the boiling hot ramen on the top of it. Something was coming up, and it was big.

EternalMothra
January 21st, 2006, 11:07 PM
It sounds very good, a lot more improved since your last one, great work! Just one thing though, you should put spaces in between the paragraphs, like for instance, instead of having this:

Brooke stared out at the city while her brother, Chad, threw a pebble at her head.
"I found it at the airport back in San Diego, it looks like you... disgusting." Her brother said.
Brooke turned around and started to pull back her arm.
"Chad, what did I tell you about dirty rocks that look like people?" Brooke asked.
Three seconds later, Chad ran into his parents' hotel room, with a black eye and a rock broken in half. His mom was complaining about unpacking all of the items into the hotel. And then the hotel shaked, sending unsuspecting Chad's tailbone right onto the floor.


It should be like this:


Brooke stared out at the city while her brother, Chad, threw a pebble at her head.


"I found it at the airport back in San Diego, it looks like you... disgusting." Her brother said.


Brooke turned around and started to pull back her arm. "Chad, what did I tell you about dirty rocks that look like people?" Brooke asked.


Three seconds later, Chad ran into his parents' hotel room, with a black eye and a rock broken in half. His mom was complaining about unpacking all of the items into the hotel. And then the hotel shaked, sending unsuspecting Chad's tailbone right onto the floor.

Also, I would recommend that you write a prologue, or introduction that introduces your characters and stuff. It would be interesting to learn more about them. Once the reader gets a better grasp of the character, they feel their personality and their intelligence. If that is so, then the person will be intrigued, and they'll keep on reading. Great job though, very good!:thumbs:

Void Skull
January 22nd, 2006, 03:45 PM
CHAPTER TWO: RITSUZEN
As the behemoth spike rose up from the ground, the crowd stepped back. Chad hopped on it and rode it like a bull.
"What are you people scared of? It's a spike in the ground!" Chad yelled.
Brooke was in the back with her jaw dropped.
"Chad! Get off of there before the co... I mean... who is that guy?" Brooke shouted. Chad stared at the spike, and ate his ramen off of it, everyone had a grossed out face on after that. The people around him didn't understand him much, because he was talking in english, not japanese. Purple roots came out of the hole in the ground. The crowd gasped.
"Come on, people! I'm telling you that this thing will not harm you... uh-oh..." Chad paused. The roots came up and attached theirselves to Chad's head.
The roots covered his cranium, Chad screamed.
"AHHHHHH!" Brooke found the broken pebble in her pocket and threw it at the spike.
"Take that! You stupid, giant, spike...thing...!" The spike definately "felt" something. Chad continued to scream. The roots peeled off of Chad's face, leaving a bruise mark for Chad to remember them by.
Brooke grabbed a rock off the side walk and threw that at the creature also. The roots fell back into the hole. Chad ran over to Brooke, shivering.
"Giant squirells... no ice cream... cold ramen..." Chad whispered.
"That thing got into my head and found my fears." Brooke snickered and said
"Boy, you have some messed up fears!" Brooke continued to laugh. Chad kicked her in the shin. And then the earthquake returned, it broke the richtors scale, with a 10.1 earthquake, only near the spike though.
Brooke grabbed Chad and started running back towards the hotel. All the cars stopped to see what was going on at the arcade. As Brooke and Chad got close to the hotel entrance, they saw the arcade building collapse. Chad started to cry and scream.
"Mom! Dad!" Brooke shouted as they entered the hotel lobby. Their parents were covering themselves in their room.
"Mom! Do not look out the window!" Chad shouted. The earthquake became more intese and they saw five more of Tokyo's scyscrapers go down. And then the quake stopped.
SKKKEEEEIIIIIEEEEEYYYY!!!
The smoke cleared, and there was no sun, there was a large shadow blocking it. Fire came out of the top of the shadow, and took the form of eyes. Some kind of thin tentacles came out of the shadow's rigid back. Those tentacles turned out to be the roots. And they all headed towards Brooke's head.
"Ritsuzen..." Brooke whispered.