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Alien-G
July 8th, 2005, 09:52 PM
Chapter 1
A Harmless Trip

Colorado, the Rocky Mountains…It was a misty morning, a group of tourists were exploring the mountains. It was so misty though, that there wasn’t much to see. Suddenly an older man, with no hair whatsoever on his head, snuck into the group with some candy, he lead some younger children. He lead them down a slim trail, not noticeable unless you actually stopped and paid attention. He lead them to a walled area in the mountains, in the area was a large hole, that went straight down into darkness and gave the children the candy he had. As they chewed on their chocolate, the old man got a bucket emitting a strong scent, he dropped it down the huge hole that the . He looked back at them and walked over slowly. He lifted one of them and walked over to the hole, he tossed the child in, the small boy screamed as he fell to his death. The old man heard a noise and turned around and saw a teenage girl, about fourteen, with green eyes and long blonde hair come out of the brush, she stared at the man with tears staining her cheeks. She lifted up the other child and began backing away slowly. He pulled out a small handgun and pointed it at her forehead, “Put the child down…I need him.” he said angrily.

“You just killed my little brother…” she said, crying quietly, “I won’t let you get away with this…the police will find you.” the whole area suddenly shook as a low rumbling came from the hole in the ground. The man ran from sight as dirt shot up into the air. The girl held onto her brother and ran, but she heard a low growling noise, that echoed through the mountains. She tripped and fell, hugging her brother tight. She felt some small rocks fall onto her. She looked up and saw a huge landslide moving towards her. She screamed as large rocks crushed her and her little brother.

The next morning, an investigation was brought together. The whole area was almost completely destroyed. The bodies of the girl and her younger brother were found, but that was it. The other boy was no where to be found. The police found a trail, and began following it. That night, they came across a hut in the woods. They saw flashes of light shining through the window. One of the cops peeked in, and saw an old man sitting down and watching television. Another cop knocked on the door. The old man opened the door.

“Hey, don’t you know this is private property.” he said as he opened the door. He had a rifle in one hand, and was wearing sweat pants and a white tank top.

“Police duty.” the cop said. The man began to sweat as he set the rifle aside.

“I must apologize, I’m not used to having visitors.” he said as he put the gun away. “How can I help you gentlemen?”

“We believe a boy was kidnapped here yesterday.” the cop said as he and his partner came inside.

“He could’ve been killed by the landslide, or he could’ve fallen into that huge crater over there.”

“We have people checking out that crater, and the boy’s older sister and twin brother were the only ones found under the rubble.” the other cop replied. “It’s possible he could’ve been kidnapped.” as they were talking, the old man had CNN on the television, talking about that very incident, July 12, 2005.

“Are you accusing me of this?” the old man asked.

“No, but we have to keep all possibilities open.”

“Look, I need some sleep. I think you two better go.”

“Not until we get our information.” the old man kicked open the door.

“I can get you two men fired for not leaving!”

“Sir, please calm down.”

“I killed him!” the old man shouted. “I did it so that the beast of the mountains won’t rise up and kill millions of innocent people.” the man was shaking and sweating. The cops looked at each other then stood up and moved towards him.

“You need to come with us.” the old man shook his head and grabbed his rifle, firing once into one of the cop’s chest. He cried out and fell back, breaking a small table. The other cop went for his pistol, but was shot in the wrist. He dropped the gun and fell to his knees. The old man then held the rifle up and fire two more times. As the blood of the cops sunk down the cracks of the floor, the old man tied them together and threw the bodies into the back of his truck. He wiped some sweat from his forehead and drove to the scene of the accident. He got out, just to meet with more cops. He smacked the wheel out of anger as they asked him to get out. The two bodies were taken out and an ambulance was called in. The old man became very violent.

“There is a monster here! He will kill us all! Armadon will destroy us all!.” as he shouted, the ground began to quake. All of the vehicles began sliding down towards the crater as the ground began sinking. The old man shouted and continued carrying on as everyone fell, he struggled to get free of the handcuffs that were put on his wrists. He looked down as darkness overtook him. More and more men and women fell into the crater. Soon the whole area sunk down and everyone disappeared.

Helicopters from the police to the news people hovered over the area, it wasn’t long before pictures and videos of the sight were on every television.

Denver…It was dark, the moon was slowly rising. A young man named Rick was sipping some coffee and sitting with one of his buddies. Rick was a young man, about twenty-four. He had short brown hair, brown eyes, and was pretty fit, since he had been in the military for several years. He was from a Puerto Rican family, but grew up in the states.

“Hey Ricky, did you hear about what happened at the Rocky Mountains?” his friend asked. Rick shook his head slightly and sipped his coffee.

“I don’t like watching the news.” Rick replied.

“Well did you read about it?”

“Don’t like reading either. Not unless I have too.”

“You’re a bum, you know that?” Suddenly the ground began to shake slightly. Everyone stopped and looked down. A younger boy kneeled down as noise emitted from the sewers. As he peeked down, the lid over the manhole shot out of the ground. He fell back. The lid had torn some flesh off of his forehead, causing serious bleeding. Rick stood to his feet as manhole lids began shooting out of the ground. A hydrant disappeared in a foam of water as it shot into the air. A large sound, like thunder came from the road. Even loud vehicles stopped. Everyone circled the area, but the police were soon on the scene. The ground began shaking again as the ground began splitting apart. Everyone began backing away as the ground rose up, pieces of concrete flew everywhere. A low rumbling was heard through the ground. Everyone ran for their lives as the ground exploded up, a large creature emerging from the ground. It was a massive beast, a giant armadillo. It looked different from other armadillos. It had a short snout, with a more noticeable mouth. It had two long ears, that laid down on its head. Its eyes seemed gentle, they were a strange blonde color. The creature let out a roar, a low roar that made a slight cackling noise. Everyone stopped at a safe distance and gazed at the creature. It shook the debris off of its huge body and grunted. It then looked over at the people watching it. It bared its short teeth and roared again, whipping its thin tail onto a car. The car shattered into pieces from the extreme force. The monster began moving through the street. Everyone scattered, screaming at the top of their lungs. The huge monster roared and smashed its head onto the side of a tall building. Glass and debris blasted out onto the street below. Rick looked back to see the monster hop up onto its hind legs. The monster roared and smashed his paw against the side of a tall building, spraying out pieces of the building. The monster’s eyes emitted a blue light as it tore its claw into the building and fell to all fours again. The huge building began toppling over and crushed other buildings. The monster crawled over the remains and continued moving through the city. A man ran out of his home, to see the monster walking by, he yelled for his wife to get the kids, but the creatures tail slammed into the house, the speed and strength of the tail, tore right through the house, causing it to fall over. The monster came across a small shop and stabbed his claws into the roof. The people who were hiding inside looked up as the huge mammalian beast looked down onto them. They all tried to hide but the monster leaned down and began scooping up small groups of them into his tongue. They screamed and struggled, but were pulled into the monster’s jaws. As the monster took them into his mouth, the others ran out of the store and tried to get away. The monster whipped around and continued moving, knocking the rest of the store over. The police quickly moved in and began leading everyone to safety. The cops created a blockade in the monster’s path and got out all of their powerful weapons, like shotguns. As the monster moved close, they all began shooting at him. He roared loudly as he saw the bullets fly his way. His yellow eyes began glowing bright blue as he came closer. The police continued reloading and firing. When the monster came to about twenty feet, a powerful gust of what they thought was wind, blew all of the police’s vehicles and men through the air. The monster stopped when he saw another blockade. His eyes kept their blue glow as bullets began firing. One of the cops looked up to see a large building over them begin to shake. They all ducked as the sides of the building exploded, causing the building to topple over and onto them. The monster snarled and growled lowly as he moved over the debris.

Rick got picked up by a military helicopter and was flown away from the city.

“Just what happened down there!?” the pilot asked.

“A monster! A huge monster just popped out of the ground and began laying waste to the city. I know we’re all caught up with the war in Iraq, but we should definitely get our guys down here!”

“You mean, bring huge artillery against a living creature? I don’t know if the military is set up for this.”

“Well we’ve got to do something, or Denver will be completely wiped out.”

Chapter 2
Mankind vs. Armadon

“Armadon is what the locals called the legendary monster of the mountain.” one of the men at the meeting.

“This thing is powerful. The police were using their most powerful weapons, and it wasn’t even hurt.” Rick added. The general, who was in his forties, rubbed his beard lightly. He had all of his facial hair, and black hair. He was white and had served the military for about half of his life. His name was Steve Banning.

“Rick Marshal, the President has heard our request to use weapons on the monster, if he gives the OK, I want you to fly in there, you’re one of our best pilots.” Rick replied.

“Yes sir.”

Armadon had been on the attack for about an hour, the city was in flames. He came to a stop, he looked up to see five jets flying overhead. He titled his head and snapped his jaws. They flew over once and turned around. He lifted to his hind legs as they flew over again, sniffing the air to see what was going on. As they turned, he lowered to all fours again. The jets began moving down towards him. Armadon lifted his head as they moved closer and let out a frustrated roar. As he roared, the jets fired their missiles onto him. He lowered his head as the missiles hit him, explosions and flames covered his whole body. Rick and the other pilots spread out after their attack.

Armadon roared out as the flames engulfed his body. The explosions caused him to fall off his feet, but he quickly regained himself and got up again. The jets moved out of sight as they spread out. Rick flew on for a bit, then turned and flew back at Armadon. The monster rose to his hind legs, snapping his jaws at his enemies. Rick’s eyes widened as he saw the furious look on the beast’s face, but he managed to releases his bombs. Armadon ducked down as the bombs crashed onto his shell and exploded. Armadon looked up and watched as two more jets came at him.

“Don’t go in too close.” Rick said.

“Just close enough to cripple him at the knees.” one of the other pilots replied. Suddenly Armadon rose to his feet and smacked his paw against one of the two jets, sending it against a building. As the other tried to get away, Armadon turned and whipped his tail against it. As his tail hit, the jet was smashed to pieces in a fiery explosion. Armadon looked up and roared at the remaining three fighters.

“Pull up!” Rick shouted to the other two pilots. They did as they were told and got away from Armadon. The angry beast snarled and began clawing at the ground. The three pilots watched as he continued clawing through the ground. Armadon soon disappeared out of sight as he burrowed beneath the earth.

“We lost him.” one of the pilots reported. “He went underground. There’s no sign of him.”

“Let’s report back.” Rick said. Rick and the other two pilots then flew back to base. The city was left in flames. Huge buildings had been reduced to rubble, people’s homes had gone up in flames and continued to burn.

Chapter 3
Round 2

Nevada, The Great Basin…Military weapons had been set up all over the country, because Armadon’s next destination was completely unknown. Rick was stationed in Nevada.

Rick sat down sipping some liquor from a canteen as the search continued. Suddenly he heard a woman scream, which startled him so much he shot up to his feet. A woman was being dragged away from the area, she had blonde hair to her shoulders, bluish-green eyes, and a tan from the intense heat in Nevada. She also had a camera hanging from her neck.

“What’s going on?” Rick asked another soldier.

“That woman over there was trying to snap pictures of our operation here, now she demands she be allowed to.” the soldier replied. Rick walked over to the soldiers dragging the woman.

“I’ll take it from here.” Rick said to them calmly. They nodded and let go of her. “Ma’am, just what are you trying to do here?” She was breathing heavily, so she took a deep breath and replied.

“I work for the papers, and I wanted to get some pictures that no one else would be able to get.” she replied, although angry at the moment, she had a soothing voice. Rick grinned and said teasingly.

“Isn’t this a bit extreme? Even for a reporter?”

“I’m not a reporter, I’m a photographer.” she replied.

“I apologize, but I must ask you to leave. If Armadon happens to show up here, people will get hurt.” suddenly the earth shook and the sand exploded out in the distance. Armadon arose, sand rolling down his body.

“Battle stations!.” was shouted as an alarm went off. Armadon roared and took a deep sniff of the air, then turned his head to the military. He pushed down with his front paws and pulled the rest of his body out of the ground.

Tanks slowly rolled over the sand and turned to aim at the monster. Missile launchers were rolled in, along with other heavy weapons. The soldiers aimed their guns and rocket launchers at the advancing behemoth.

Rick pulled the woman away as everyone got to position. Armadon swiped at the sand, snarling in a low tone. The tanks held still and waited for him to move closer.

“Wait for him to get closer. We want to fire at point blank range.” the sergeant ordered. Armadon rubbed some sand off his snout and continued moving. Rick held onto the woman as she tried to snap a picture, seeing that she wouldn’t stop, he pulled the camera off her neck and threw it to the ground. She was about to give him a good punch in the jaw when Armadon’s roar almost deafened them, Armadon was closer. Rick dragged her away as the order to fire came closer.

Armadon looked down at the soldiers below, and swiped at the sand again. Flames and explosions erupted as the tanks and missiles were launched. The soldiers fired off their bullets at the huge monster. Armadon was taken by surprise and backed down. Rick and the woman fell to the ground as Armadon was fired upon. He held her down as sand flew out through the air.

Armadon backed away as missiles and bullets continued striking him. Explosions shot up around him, spraying sand all into his eyes. Armadon tried covering his face with his paw, but as he raised it, he became more vulnerable, causing him to fall over, rolling onto his back. Armadon flung his arms and legs around as he was continuously fired upon.

Jets moved in and flew over him, dropping bombs onto his bare belly. Armadon hissed and cries out as he was hit on the softest part of his body. He began shaking and rolling. Soon, he got back onto all fours again. Armadon looked to the oncoming fire, his yellow eyes emitted a blue light, and suddenly the air in front of him began swirling into a vortex. Some of the soldiers held their fire as sand began sucking into the vortex. All of the shells and bullets got sucked into the vortex. Armadon roared loudly, as the vortex began spinning faster and faster. Everyone’s guns got pulled right out of their hands and into the vortex. Armadon roared and the vortex released, and began spinning faster and faster, and even began growing. It moved over the soldiers and artillery. They all began screaming and hollering in pain as their skin began to tighten. The tanks’ metal began splitting apart and shooting out flames.

Rick watched as the vortex moved towards him and the girl. He lifted her up and jumped into a truck and sped off. The tanks all exploded, the flames spreading out over the soldiers. The whole camp went up in flames as the vortex dispersed, leaving flaming ruins behind.

“Look I’m sorry about that, but we would’ve been vaporized, had we not got out of there when we did.” Rick explained.

“I’m not mad at you. Just disappointed I couldn’t take a photo of the monster.” The woman replied. Rick held out his hand.

“Name’s Rick.” he said. She gently took his hand and shook it.

“I’m Kelly. Kelly Rogers.” they began talking, and continued driving, looking for the nearest town.

“Could we pick up my brother and his friends?” Kelly asked. “They’re in Carson City, and we were all going to drive out together.”

“Sure no problem.” Rick replied. They continued heading north-west, towards Carson City.


Chapter 4
Meeting Kelly’s Brother

The next morning, Rick and Kelly made it to Carson City. Everyone was packing up and getting out of the area. Kelly got out when Rick stopped. She ran to a tough looking character, with a scar on his left cheek, and tattoos covering his arms. He had dark blue eyes and no hair on his head. The other two with him were different, one was tall and muscular, the other was short and scrawny. The tall man had darker skin, a thick mustache and had an angry look on his face when he saw Rick. The shorter one was playing with a pocket knife, his hands were covered in scars. He also had no hair, none of the three did. His skin was very pale and he wore dark sunglasses.

“Who’s your friend?” the man holding Kelly asked.

“He helped me get here.” Kelly said. “Rick, this is my brother, Jed.” she put her hand on the tall man’s arm, “This is Lorenzo.” then she went to the short one, “And this here is Tommy.”

“Kelly, the monster was spotted.” Jed said. “Get in the pick up, we’re getting out of here.”

“Rick’s coming, too.” Kelly said. Jed seemed to growl as he shot a glare at Rick.

“Alright…” he said coldly. Rick slipped into the back of the blue pick up and the truck sped off, almost causing Rick to fall out.

As they drove towards Reno, Rick listened to the people inside argue and carry on. He sighed and laid back, staring up at the night sky. The truck halted and Kelly crawled out and came to the back, tears rolling down her cheeks. She got in the back and the truck took off again.

“What happened?” Rick asked. “If it’s not too rude of me to ask.”

“It’s alright…” she wiped her eyes, “Ever since our parents died, Jed and I haven’t go along too well. We actually haven’t gotten along at all since they died.” Rick nodded and continued listening, “Our parents died out at sea. They were on a fishing trip, when they got caught in a storm. The waves took the boat under, huge tidal waves just poured down and pushed it under.” she wiped her cheeks, “Now all he does is yell at me.”

Rick looked back to see Jed and the other two laughing and smoking joints.

“Why don’t you go and live by yourself then?” Rick asked.

“I would if I could, but I can’t afford a place to live. It’s really nice of him and his friends to help me out. They do yell a lot, but they also protect me.” Rick nodded, and they continued talking, until they fell asleep.

The next afternoon they made it to Reno, driving under the large sign that said, “Reno The Biggest Little City in the World.” Rick and Kelly woke up and jumped out when the truck stopped. Jed, Lorenzo, and Tommy went into a store while Rick met up with other soldiers. Kelly stayed close to Rick.

“Has Armadon been seen?” Rick asked another soldier.

“No, but we believe he’s still in Nevada somewhere.” the soldier replied. Rick looked over some maps with the others, when the ground began to shake. The ground beneath the Reno sign began splitting open. The ground sunk down, taking the whole sign down. Sparks fired from the sign as it crashed into the ground. Armadon arose from the rubble and let out a bellowing roar. No one was prepared, and some were still evacuating. Armadon smashed his paw through a nearby building, crumbling the building to the ground.

The soldiers began shouting and getting to their stations as Armadon moved down the street. Tanks blocked off Armadon’s path and waited for him to get closer. Men and women with rocket launchers waited in buildings and on the roofs of buildings for him to move by.

“Kelly I need you and your brother to get to a safe place.” Rick demanded. “I’ll make sure you’re taken out of here.” Suddenly, a car flew over head and crashed through a window in a nearby building. Helicopters flew overhead, with turrets on board. Soldiers on the turrets fired off a stream of bullets onto Armadon. As he continued moving, tanks began firing at him. Sparks and explosions erupted as the shells hit Armadon. Armadon grew angry and whipped his tail into the side of a building, filled with soldiers. The building’s floors and ceilings caved in and crushed the people inside. Armadon roared and continued moving down the street. Missiles were launched from all directions onto the monster. Armadon didn’t seemed phased at all, his hard shell was taking most of the hits.

Kelly ran into the store that her brother was, finding everyone that was there, hiding in the corner, scared from the alarm that was going off.

“Jed! The monster!” she shouted. As she shouted this, the roof of the store was torn off, and the head of Armadon peered in at them, snarling viciously. Kelly backed into a wall, breathing heavily as the monster sniffed at the air. Jed and his two friends were creeping along to Kelly, but Armadon spotted them. He stuck out his tongue and wrapped it around Lorenzo. He shouted and screamed from terror as he was lifted up. He began beating on the tongue constricting his body, but he disappeared into the jaws of the monster. Jed grabbed onto Kelly’s arm.

“Let’s get out of here.” Jed said softly. Armadon wrapped his tongue around Tommy next. He pulled out his pocket knife and tried to stab the tongue, but it squeezed tightly, causing him to drop it, he too was eaten alive. Jed stared up at the monster as it ate the others in the store, who screamed and ran in a panic. Jed led Kelly out to the pick up and got into the driver’s seat. Before they could take off, the truck jolted from some force. Jed looked back to see Armadon’s teeth latched into the truck. Kelly fell back and watched as Armadon lifted her brother’s truck into the air. Jed tried to open the door, but the whole truck slid into the monster’s mouth. Armadon began crushing the car, until the doors fell off, causing Jed to fall into his throat. Armadon dropped the totaled truck to the ground. Kelly fell back as it crashed onto the concrete. Armadon peered down at her and bared his teeth, advancing slowly. She was frozen with fear as the monster hissed lowly. Suddenly she felt something jerk her arm, bringing her to her feet. She looked to see Rick getting her away from the monster. The monster roared and began following them. Rick turned into an alley, pulling Kelly with him. Armadon stopped and looked down onto them and dug his claws into the buildings, lifting himself up to his hind legs. Bricks and debris began falling onto Rick and Kelly as Armadon tried to claw his way to them. Rick pulled out a flare gun, with Kelly holding onto him for her life, and a sweat on his brow. Armadon roared down at them, and Rick fired off a flare. The flare shot up and into Armadon’s mouth. He shut his jaws and backed away, flames and sparks shooting through his teeth. Armadon cried out a high pitched wail as the flare ignited in his mouth. He snapped his jaws shut, causing steam to rise up from his jaws.

Rick took the opportunity to get Kelly away from the monster. They both ran, holding hands as Armadon crashed into a building from the severe pain. The building toppled over and covered Armadon.

Rick stopped when Armadon was finally out of sight. Kelly wrapped her arms around Rick sobbing onto his shoulder. Rick knew what happened so didn’t bother to ask. He sighed lightly as Kelly cried. They were picked up and brought away as the attack on Armadon continued.

Chapter 5
Setting a Trap for Armadon

A meeting was brought together on how best to deal with Armadon.

“We’ve thrown everything we got at Armadon, except for nuclear weapons, and I’m not about to do that.” General Banning said.

“I’ve come up with a bit of a plan.” Rick said.

“Let’s hear it.” Banning replied.

“You see, I’ve heard of this monster before, more of a legend, said to be able to use psychic powers, and I believe that. I saw it for myself in the desert. I think we can still beat him. He must be hungry after all this time. If we can get him to a secluded area, we could trap him. If we get him stuck, we could finish him off with napalm.” Everyone began talking among themselves.

“I know just the place.” Banning said

Great Salt Lake…Piles of food with a high scent was being brought close to the lake, where a large pit was set. Jets flew overhead, carrying large amounts of napalm. Tanks and missiles were set up around the pit, far away so that he wouldn’t notice. C4 was set up in the pit, the pit was surround by mines, and those mines were surrounded by more mines, so that they would be sure to destroy him.

Kelly was with Rick as they waited for Armadon. It was early morning when Armadon arose from the ground, roaring into the sky. He sniffed the air and moved slowly towards the food that was piled up. Everyone dropped what they were doing and waited. Armadon buried his snout into the food and began eating.

“Fire!” Banning shouted. Dynamite was set off and Armadon fell down into the pit, Armadon roared and began crawling out, but next the C4 went off, causing the surrounding mines to explode, which also set off the last mines. Armadon roared out in fear and surprise. Jets flew overhead and began dropping the napalm. Flames erupted all around Armadon. From the smoke and flames a low cry of pain emitted. Armadon rose his head up and moaned lowly in pain as fire covered his body. Another squadron of jets flew overhead and dropped more napalm. Armadon’s ears shot up as he cried out again. He then sank down beneath the earth and out of sight. The last squadron dropped their napalm, causing the pit to go up in flames. The whole area was on fire, and Armadon was no where to be seen.

Kelly sighed and bit her finger lightly as tears streamed down, the pain from her loss was still dwelling within her. Rick hugged her gently as they watched the flames grow.

The End

Monsturra-Jake
July 8th, 2005, 10:15 PM
Alien G, remember what we said about spacing your paragraphs.

Monsturra-Jake
July 10th, 2005, 01:12 AM
Better, still, I recommend spacing some of the bigger paragraphs still. They are mostly four sentences anyway, so keep that in mind.

EternalMothra
July 10th, 2005, 10:51 AM
I remember when I first posted fan fiction here. I was not spacing my paragraphs, instead I was intenting them, however it was all screwed up when I posted it. So bigger spaces are nicer, so you can tell were everything is at.

Alien-G
July 10th, 2005, 08:24 PM
other than spacing, how is the story?

Monsturra-Jake
July 11th, 2005, 01:41 AM
You really got start telling how the old guy know of Armadon in the first place. It's a very big glaring plothole. Give him a motive for killing people. Plotholes are really a pain anyway. I rather just explain the whole story in the first place. You do have some good ideas, but I think you forget about substance. Also, you seriously need to proofread your stories alot. They have alot of blaring grammar and spelling errors.

Also, I really hate the title "Armadon Redone". I rather go with The Legend of Armadon or Giant Monster Armadon myself, which would set it apart from the first version. Armadon Redone just sounds weak.

Alien-G
July 15th, 2005, 06:25 PM
that's not the title, it's just the name of the thread

Alien-G
July 15th, 2005, 06:28 PM
I think I'll just redo it one more time

EternalMothra
July 15th, 2005, 08:02 PM
I like it a lot. You can redo it if that is what you wish, you may catch some things that you may want to change or include. The perfect time for changing. I my fan fic Mothra vs. Zembare, I changed it around several times.

Raptor
July 16th, 2005, 12:31 PM
I'm seeing a good OUTLINE developing here. :thumbs: Many key elements are in place, ready for further fleshing out.
I would suggest varying the description of how the earth moves each time that scenario has to be used; maybe starting out with a tremor and then a big "bust out" scene for the last time you use it.
When the brother is killed, this should be a rather poignant moment that could use a little more focus before the next event unfolds.
Even with a "short story", take as much time and space as you need to tell a truly exciting tale! ;)

Go ahead and retitle the topic to "Armadon development" if that would work better or which particular advebture you are focusing on to avoid confusion with the tales you already have posted. In the long run, I would suggest reviewing them in order for consistency and maybe including a "read order" - "Armadon: 1 - The Arrival, Armadon: 2 - (next story), etc. if they should be approached that way.

Monsturra-Jake
July 16th, 2005, 06:13 PM
Just slow down and think about what you want in the story. Sometimes, I get in a hurry when I am writing a story that I get confused a mix up. I say just take your time, and think up a good story based on this outline.